Tag Archives: Personal

Story Time: I Was Sexually Assaulted When I Was 12

Those that are close to me know that I’ve been wanting to do a section on my site called Story Time, but this wasn’t how I wanted to start it. Not with this story. I wanted to start with a crazy or funny story, but due to my emotional state because of the recent news stories I figured I should tell this one. Please don’t forget to like and share. Click the video below for the full story…

 

screenshot_2018-10-09-01-30-06-11736096199.png
12 or 13 years old
20181009_013112-11024462409.jpg
13 going on 14

P.S. Sorry for the static, not sure where it came from or how to get rid of it. If you have any suggestions let me know please.

I’d also like to add…Men would be screaming sexual assault if we held them down and shoved a dildo up their ass. Should we call them a hoe too cause they knew what they were getting into? I gotta stay off social media for awhile smh.

Perspective

This one is actually old but my blog was down at the time. So here goes…

December 5, 2016
Nicholas is 1 month old
1:15 AM

Nicholas has woken up while I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, chomping down on a mixture of two cereals. Rice Chex and some weird blueberry toast cereal that I didn’t buy. I never really can sneak and eat around him. He always catches me and then looks at me as if he caught me cheating on him. I quickly finished and sat the bowl on the dresser and slid underneath the sheets.
I laid next to him with some distance in between us and just stared at him. He looked back at me and started squirming. I laid still and watched as he used every muscle, every bone, and every ounce of his body to fight and wiggle his way toward me. I remained still and just stared. His arms flailing about, legs kicking the air and sheets, slightly rolling on his side. He stops when his hand touches my face. Opening his fist, he rubs his hand across my cheek and for a moment I thought his fight was over.
But it wasn’t. He started back up and once I realized that he wasn’t going to stop until I held him, I reached my arm out and snuggled him. He quickly calmed down and fell asleep. He needed me.

Then my emotions got the best of me. I thought to myself, if only his father would do the same for me. Fight with every ounce of his body to be closer to me. To get his family back. Show me the same strength and perseverance. He didn’t need me. Tears came flooding down.

Nicholas shifted in my arms and shifted my thoughts. He needed me. So I wiped my tears, pulled him closer, and closed my eyes. Inhaled his sweet baby smell and promised I’d always reach my arm out if ever he needed me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year Everyone!

I hope you guys started the New Year off right, I know I did! I attended a black and gold themed house party with my homegirl and we had a great time! It was good seeing old high school friends and catching up, all while vibin to mix from the DJ. It’s always funny when you run into people from high school. Some look and act pretty much exactly the same, some people changed (that would be me), and some people got SUPA FINE (the DJ lol). I didn’t really do much dancin, just posted up with a drank in my hand and did a lot of head bobbin lol. Of course there’s always a little ratchetness that occurs at a house party but it’s all good. A girl seemed to be upset with someone and a fight almost happened. Crazy thing is the drama was happening right in front of me, but I couldn’t tell you who she was mad at for the life of me. I kept looking around but didn’t see anybody else as upset as her. Anywho like I said I had a good time and I look forward to joining everyone again next year.

 A new year for a lot of people is the beginning of a new journey. We start reflecting on the past year, preparing ourselves for change, and making New Year’s resolutions. My resolutions are usually the same as most peoples…let go of some things, lose weight so I can be summertime fine, be healthier, and just continue to strive to be a better person inside and out. But this year I want to go a little more in depth and be a little more specific so I decided that I’m going to do a vision board. It’s a great idea to help you stay motivated and stay on track of things. I’ve provided some example below that I found from pintrest if you’re interested in creating your own.

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself. Although I think change can be done at any time not just at the beginning of the year, I don’t criticize or judge people for making New Year’s resolutions. As much as I love social media it’s sad how many discouraging remarks I saw in regards to people wanting to change. There was one meme in particular that was circulating all over the internet. It symbolized a black woman wanting to leave all of her problems in the past and start brand new for the New Year. When I say people on Instagram can take somethin good and tear it to pieces smh, I mean they recreated the meme over and over again to be so negative. I just kept thinking I don’t see anything wrong with this picture and what’s really sad is it was the black men more than anybody that was tearing the sista down. Hey we gotta do better people…but when you know better, you do better. Peep the pics and video below…

 

P.S. Why did I receive a text from an Ex that I hadn’t talked to in over 3 months on New Year’s Eve? That’s what I’m NOT gonna do for the year 2015! Ain’t nobody got time fa dat!

new-year-new-me-2015-03-550x550Screenshot_2015-01-03-03-19-00

IMG_20150101_000135[1]
New Year’s Eve kiss
IMG_20141231_225819[1]
Me and my girl Kescia
IMG_20150101_000123[1]
Those drinks were good!

Inspiration for a vision board…

***YOU DON’T HAVE TO PUT YOUR EMAIL TO COMMENT. DON’T FORGET TO LIKE AND SHARE :-)***

Domestic Violence: My Take On It

stop2[1]

Years and years ago I was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship. It’s something that I still get very emotional about whenever I talk about it to people, especially people who are insensitive to the subject. A lot of times I read on social media or have conversations with people who say things like “if she keeps going back to him then it’s her fault she keeps getting beat up” or “well she’s stupid as hell for taking him back” or “some women get in a man’s face and talk a bunch of ish and they deserve to be hit”. It’s crazy the things I hear and read and I can’t help but to think, where is the compassion for the victim? Unless you’ve lived the nightmare before how can you be so opinionated about it?

Although I do think getting in someone’s face is provoking them, I still think at the end of the day we all have the choice in how we react to it. Everyone has the right to defend themselves when someone gets physical with them, but if they didn’t touch you, you shouldn’t touch them. Period. I understand sometimes it’s not that simple but that’s the way it should be.  From my experience and also from what I’ve witnessed verbal abuse and manipulation usually comes way before the physical violence which a lot of people fail to realize.

Before I met my ex-boyfriend I was happy, confident, ambitious, and sure of who I was and what I wanted. I was that strong minded girl who said I would never let a man put his hands on me. By the end of the relationship I was 40 lbs. heavier, miserable, insecure, lacked motivation, and didn’t recognize the person I saw in the mirror. I was completely opposite of what I was before.  Before, I was that girl who cared about her appearance before she walked out the door. Afterwards I could give a rat’s ass and just walked out the house looking any kind of way. I went days without even combing my hair. I was depressed and it took a while for it to become apparent to my mother but once it was she subtly made an intervention. Not everyone is so lucky. Prayer alone cannot help you out of that situation. Family and friends turn their backs and give up on people who keep going back because they don’t understand or know how to help. If you have no support and no one to help pull you through what do you do?

Here’s my story:

The first time I saw any signs of my ex being an abusive person, I ignored and justified it. I had witnessed him choke his ex-girlfriend during an altercation one time. I had witnessed her act crazy as well. She tried to run us off the rode on multiple occasions, once with her infant in the car. So my initial thought was well she ran up and hit him first and she was screaming that she was going to do something to me so he was just protecting me. Throughout the 3 years we were together a lot of our arguments would be because of the fact that he was still seeing this woman and lying to me, which was probably what was driving her crazy as well. His possessiveness and insecurity because of our big age difference also played a major role in our problems.

He had started his manipulation early on in the relationship.  He had a problem with the way I dressed and being the woman that I am and wanting to please my man, I stopped wearing anything that showed off my figure too much because I knew it would lead to an argument. He would even snap on men in the grocery store for looking at me. If I put on some body spray before leaving the house it was “who you trying to smell good for” then that caused and argument and he subsequently poured all my body sprays down the drain.  According to him all of my close friends were bad for me and he even tried to turn me against my mother so that I would have no one. Eventually it was hard being friends with people and either they cut me off or I cut them off. He would start arguments with me out of nowhere but then turn around and tell me how much he needed me and that he had no one but me. He would cry and tell me deep dark secrets and use them as excuses as to why he acted the way he did. So that made it hard to leave because I would feel sorry for him. I had been around his family and friends and yes he had burned those bridges so in a sense I felt like he did need me. All of these things I had put up with because I loved him but also I had eventually lost all self-love in the process.

The first time it got physical I blamed it on myself and my mouth. By now I had been doing the same thing he was doing to me which was cutting below the belt during arguments. I told myself well I should have walked away and that’s what I’ll do next time before it gets physical. Well next time came and he wouldn’t let me walk away. He would take my glasses and car keys so I wouldn’t drive off. He would pin me down so I wouldn’t leave. Even when he fell asleep I didn’t try to leave in the middle of the night because I feared what he might do to me if he caught me. He would always wake up begging and pleading for me not to leave him and apologize a million times. During all of this I also felt like I had nowhere to go. Even though my mother would have welcomed me with open arms to come back home, she had a husband that I didn’t get along with. I felt like I had no friends or family to turn to, nor did I want to be alone. By now because of the mean and hurtful things he would say and because of my appearance I felt like no one else would want me. There were even times I had gotten spit on, punch, choked, and kicked in front of his family and they did nothing to stop him. So I just felt like nobody cared and at some point I became financially dependent on him as well. I had gotten so used to this dysfunctional relationship that there were even a few times where I hauled off and hit him first because of something that he had done to me. In the beginning the sex was a big part of why I stayed too but toward the end I was so disgusted by him that I didn’t want him to touch me.

One time I almost passed out while he was choking me. It was then that I was determined to get on my feet financially and leave him when I got the chance. The final straw was the day I was scared for my daughter’s safety and that’s the day I left and never looked back. Some people are so drowned in what’s going on that they never get that rude awakening. My mother moved me on the other side of town which helped a lot because it was really hard to move on.

I say all this to say that there are so many layers to domestic violence. It’s not so cut and dry like most people think it is. Mentally after dealing with all the verbal and physical abuse you are messed up in the head, which is a big reason it’s so hard to leave. You’re confused, feel alone, financially unstable, insecure, and depressed. There’s barely any common sense or any light to hold on to. I hope that anyone reading this shares it and it opens your eyes to the complexity of it all. I hope that people can be more sensitive on the matter. I keep seeing people comment on the Ray Rice situation and they are being so cruel. People have even created these memes or pics poking fun at the situation when I feel it’s not a laughing matter. Women are losing their lives over stuff like this and yet so many people are quick to judge and blame the woman. It’s not so simple.

 

*Don’t forget to like and share. Email address is not needed to comment