This one is actually old but my blog was down at the time. So here goes…
December 5, 2016
Nicholas is 1 month old
Nicholas has woken up while I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, chomping down on a mixture of two cereals. Rice Chex and some weird blueberry toast cereal that I didn’t buy. I never really can sneak and eat around him. He always catches me and then looks at me as if he caught me cheating on him. I quickly finished and sat the bowl on the dresser and slid underneath the sheets.
I laid next to him with some distance in between us and just stared at him. He looked back at me and started squirming. I laid still and watched as he used every muscle, every bone, and every ounce of his body to fight and wiggle his way toward me. I remained still and just stared. His arms flailing about, legs kicking the air and sheets, slightly rolling on his side. He stops when his hand touches my face. Opening his fist, he rubs his hand across my cheek and for a moment I thought his fight was over.
But it wasn’t. He started back up and once I realized that he wasn’t going to stop until I held him, I reached my arm out and snuggled him. He quickly calmed down and fell asleep. He needed me.
Then my emotions got the best of me. I thought to myself, if only his father would do the same for me. Fight with every ounce of his body to be closer to me. To get his family back. Show me the same strength and perseverance. He didn’t need me. Tears came flooding down.
Nicholas shifted in my arms and shifted my thoughts. He needed me. So I wiped my tears, pulled him closer, and closed my eyes. Inhaled his sweet baby smell and promised I’d always reach my arm out if ever he needed me.
Have you ever been in a relationship where both of you did some things wrong and instead of solving the problem or coming to an agreement you continued to point the finger at each other? Well that was basically the overall reason for my recent break up (without going into details). It got so bad that arguments were literally occurring every day. Hurtful things were said and petty things were done on both sides and unfortunately there was no fixing it after that point. Somewhere down the line the fun, trust, honesty, respect, compromise, and consideration was all taken out of the relationship. I made one last attempt, but it was too late. We just couldn’t see eye to eye on certain things.
I sat back and had time to think about everything. I realized my faults and most times couldn’t bring myself to admit to them when I should have. Pride is a motha. People like to say well everything happens for a reason but that doesn’t soothe the pain you go through when you go through a break up. Even though we were only together for a short time I can honestly say my feelings for him were very real and I loved him. Still do.
The hardest part about going through a break up is not being able to see their face, feel their touch, or hear their voice again. Plus he was introduced to the world, family, and friends and you have to go through that whole “we just didn’t work out” thing with everyone. I’m a deep thinker sometimes and I feel deeply, so whenever I’m going through something unfortunately it’s hard for me to just let it roll off my shoulders. I will almost always put up a strong front because I never like to appear weak, but inside I’m hurting and extremely disappointed.
Then there are the thoughts of wondering if they are with someone else. Have they already moved on? Did they ever really love you? Why couldn’t we fight just a little harder for the relationship? Maybe we just need a break? Maybe he’ll come running back and we can fix things? But the likelihood of that happening just isn’t there. Sacrifices were made on both sides and I can’t help but to think it was all in vain. I took a chance on love after not being in a serious relationship for 5 years and it just really sucks.
In the end I know I have to be strong. I have new opportunities coming up that require me to be focused and have my head on straight so I’m going to push through this. I guess I will have to look at it as a lesson learned.